Together with about a million others, I roamed around the canals of Amsterdam yesterday.
The offcial statement of the city is; Pride Amsterdam is a festival to celebrate that you can be who you want to be and can love whoever you want.
Yesterday a man at the canals asked if he could kiss me. I remember years ago I would be mad, insulted and what more.
Yesterday I was mostly flabbergasted by the enormous amounts of people dressed up in colorful, expressive and kinky ways. And even better, I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of love that was flowing through the city! There are two annual days like this in the city; kingsday and pride. I am just wondering why a lot of people need to drink about five beers first and have a dedicated day to celebrate this. When we could be a little more loving and sweet to each other all day everyday. It was just so nice to meet people everywhere, not avoiding eye-contact but just smiling right at you. I believe this is our true state of being. Being happy and free.
For me also a nice moment to share about my own experience in my explorations of life.
One of my highlights when I lived in the city of Groningen was my regular visits to Rob de Kapper, the crazy, super sweet and colorful barber who is totally notorious in Groningen and far beyond.
To me, Rob is so gay, you can see it from miles away. We would always have endless chats about sexuality, love and life. And Rob, being the beautiful man that he is, would never leave a chance to try to seduce me into his wildest fantasies. I would laugh, feel flattered and be very clear; “No thanks, I’m not gay.” We would discuss about men loving men and men making love to men while being heterosexual. I was a hundred percent sure this was impossible and just laughed as I thought this was another one of his tricks trying to seduce me.
It was a few years ago when I met a man in a men’s group, that told me: “I don’t believe in straight or gay or any label we come up with to put on it. I believe we are all just human beings and we can feel love and attraction to all. Maybe you feel more attraction to women, maybe more to men, but there is no such thing as gay, straight, or … we are just human beings and all day everyday we are overloaded with feelings, emotions and attractions. We’ve just tried to organise this for ourselves, but it’s all made up in our minds.
So suddenly, there is super cool big man, that I kind of look up to, who doesn’t have any interest in seducing me ,and telling me this. It opened up my view of life. Maybe he is right.
Maybe that does explain that weird uncomfotable feeling I might have had when I met a gorgeous man.
It was only a few years later, after I met Afke and I realized there was still sooo much to discover in love and life. That I decided that I wanted to explore intimacy with a man. Not that I felt a very strong desire. But just because I can. And just to get rid of my own ideas of it “being wrong”. Fighting my own prejudices and judgements. And not only my own. All these prejudices. All these judgements.
What followed was a small get together, where I very gently made out with a man. I was in shock.
So much was being touched emotionally. I remember being so thankful to Afke for supporting me in this crazy journey. And I felt liberated. Liberated that I gave myself permission to just do this. Regardless of what anyone might think about it.
It was early in the summer of 2018 when I met this beautiful man called Alencar at the Portugal Tantra festival. Al is such a gorgeous and radiant being, he looks like he just comes from the cover of “Men’s Health”. And besides looking amazing, he is also a super sweet and beautiful person. We hang out and had the most amazing and ecstatic week at the tantra festival. And it was so precious to share intimacy with another man. Sharing intimacy with a man, feels so vulnerable, yet so beautiful as well. For me it’s not about having sex, I don’t feel that sexual desire that drives me crazy, as I can feel towards women. But just sharing an intimate space together. Holding each other, being sweet and loving. Touches me.
Today I’m liberating myself a bit more. By writing about it and posting this beautiful picture. And I’m liberating you too. Giving you permission to explore around your own judgements and shame.
Yesterday a man at the canals asked if he could kiss me. I politely said no smiled at him and thanked him for his request.
Whether you’re around the canals any day of the year or wherever you are in the world. Just look people in the eyes, smile at them and spread some love.
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